Full House: Family Communication Skills During the Quarantine
Boy, I never thought I would be writing a blog post like this!
The number one thing that I am hearing from my child and adolescent clients is how hard it is for them to be “stuck” at home with their parents. The number one thing I am hearing from my clients who are parents (and the parents of my child and adolescent clients) is how hard it is to motivate their children while everyone is “stuck” at in one place. I want to challenge myself and others to say “staying at home” rather than “stuck at home.” Small changes to our daily vocabulary like this one can help us maintain a more positive outlook on our current circumstances.
Each of us calls this situation something different: COVID-19, Coronavirus, social distancing, quarantine, shelter in place, etc. No matter how you refer to it, we have all been encouraged to stay at home with our families and avoid leaving the house, unless you’re an essential worker (so much gratitude for you!) or on an essential errand (anyone know where to find some toilet paper? Asking for a friend).
Everyone is taking this situation day by day and trying to figure out what is going on when no one actually has all the answers. So many of my clients tell me, “I just wish I knew when this was going to end.” Uncertainty of this kind produces anxiety and stress, and each of us deals with this stress in unique ways.
In the midst of this global pandemic, various family members are likely taking on different roles. Perhaps someone in your family is constantly watching the news and trying to take in as much information about COVID-19 as they can. Perhaps someone is the optimist, who always does their best to keep the mood light. Maybe someone rarely leaves their room or always on their phone, seeking a distraction from this situation. During this stressful time, our coping mechanisms may be emerging in unexpected ways. And since we can’t really leave the house, these coping strategies tend to interact with those of our family members, which can often lead to friction and frustration.
This tension becomes a breeding ground for arguments, because some coping mechanisms don’t always mesh well with others. In fact, sometimes one coping strategy can directly oppose another person’s go-to method for dealing with their stress.
Take a moment to think about how you are reacting to COVID-19 and what coping mechanisms you are engaging in to help you through this time. Let’s say you’re the optimist who loves to engage in activities with others to help yourself cope. Now take a moment and imagine you are more of a pessimist, always preparing for the worst case scenario. Your coping mechanism might be to accumulate as much news and information as possible about the coronavirus. Now imagine that the optimist frequently asks you to come spend time with them. This request directly impedes your ability to constantly check your phone for new updates. One coping mechanism stepping on top of the other = conflict = arguments.
We can’t control the fact that we are all staying at home, but we can control how we approach communicating with each other in the hopes of relieving some of the tension that may be building up in our households.
Here are some ideas and exercises to help mitigate the clash of differing personalities:
Create a calendar of “bonding time” activities.
If you call out “Hey, we’re making brownies right now!” and no one else is in the mood at that particular time, you are likely going to get your feelings hurt and feel alone in how you’re trying to cope and pass the time.
However, by creating a calendar or stating, “This Thursday at 6pm we’re making brownies!”, you can let others in the house plan for this activity, have something to look forward to, and who knows, maybe those who initially reject this idea will have the time to come around to it.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
This is one of my favorite tools for helping families improve their communication.
There are four components of NVC that all come together to create a more productive communication style. These four components are:
Observation: Using a nonjudgemental approach, observe what behaviors or actions from others are leading to a negative reaction within yourself. (Example: a family member not doing the dishes when asked.)
Feeling: Describe how this behavior makes you feel using “I” statements. (Example: instead of “You’re so annoying!”, try “I feel very annoyed when you do this.)
Needs: State any fundamental or underlying needs and desires as they relate to the feelings you are experiencing. (Example: “I need help to keep the house clean” or “I feel alone when others don’t help me and I need your help.”)
Request: Provide concrete and attainable steps that the other person could take to help alleviate the negative feelings that arose as a result of the initial observation. (Example: Helping to do the dishes every Thursday night.)
Extra tip: When you are working with children and teenagers, they will need reminders! Just because you have a conversation with them using NVC, doesn’t mean they will automatically incorporate this new behavior into their routine. However, they will still have a better understanding of why this new behavior is so important to you, and will therefore require fewer reminders over time.
Validation
When someone is engaging in their coping mechanisms, it is because they are stressed and need to expend some of their emotional energy. When you invalidate someone’s coping mechanism (i.e. by demanding that the news be turned off or that someone get off their phone and come out of their room), they tend to cling to that coping skill even tighter.
Therefore, validating the fears that are driving someone towards a given coping mechanism allows that person to feel seen and heard. And who doesn’t love feeling understood?
Validation does not mean indulging in someone’s coping mechanism with them, or letting that coping mechanism become overly time-consuming. Allow someone a set amount of time to indulge in that coping mechanism, validate that they are doing it to make themselves feel better, and then redirect their energy towards something else. (Example: allow an adolescent time to be in their room and on their phone, but set a time limit each day, or ask that they engage in family dinner or a family walk as well). Allowing, validating, and redirecting.
There is no perfect communication plan for all families. Your family will need time to find a new normal that works for you! Give yourself and your family some grace during these unprecedented and unpredictable times. Hang in there and stay safe!
