Four Habits for Healing: Musings on the Power of Self-Love

The following piece is an excerpt from the journal of one of our therapists, Yaffa Goldbaum. She discusses four strategies she finds helpful when coping with unanticipated life changes. These techniques are grounded in self-love; after all, the key to mental wellness often begins with ourselves. We hope you enjoy reading her thoughts!

Change can be intimidating. And when change occurs unexpectedly, it can feel like getting handed a cold read in front of an expectant audience. But, paradoxically, the only constant in life is change itself. Like it or not, you are a breathing organism that exists within a cyclical environment of seasons moving in and out, the sun rising and setting, and the moon passing through phases. Essentially, we are all nomads traveling through the uncharted territory of the universe.

Although change is not your choice, transformation is. You cannot ward off waves, but you can learn how to surf them. As Victor Frankl puts it,‘“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” You can frame change as a loss, or you can frame change as a transaction. You cannot receive the new while grasping onto the old. A seed grows by being buried in dirt, blinded by darkness, stripped of its shell, taking in the heat and tears and stretching towards the light. A glowstick cracks before it radiates, a phoenix rises from its ashes, and a rainbow emerges in the rain. In order to capitalize on change, you must first shift your focus from the price you paid to the potential you bought. 

So, when life forces you to change, what will be your choice? See below for some suggestions on how best to cash in on the change life brings your way, so you can come out even stronger on the other side.

The Reframe
looking her in the eyes 
shards of her life, now a 
shattered frame
showing the fragile art within 
hope coated in shadow shades of fear 
she is…
decomposing
despairing
discovering
beauty in the broken 
pieces of past, now a 
collage bound by dominion
dressed in dreams
her masterpiece

Habit #1: Dethrone drama
Drama exists to distract you. 
Simply step off the stage when it flails for attention. 
If you continue to sweat it, it will continue to swell and swear. 

Habit #2: Opt out of terms and conditions for acceptance
Your strongest action may be to surrender.
"Let me fall if I must fall. The one I will become will catch me." – Baal Shem Tov

Instead of agonizing over where you want your life to take you, 
pay attention to where your life may be leading you.
Instead of frantically escaping your thirst, 
rest and drink your truth.

When thunder dissolves your many masks, 
embrace your expansion with equanimity.

Even accept your resistance. 
Should you resist resistance, 
it will resist rambunctiously. 

On Accepting You:
The original is always better than the copy.
Never apologize for who you are; you are not an apology.
The day you were born was the day the world could not exist without you. 

In order to truly love someone else, you need to truly love yourself. 
When you are yourself, everyone around you will feel safe to be themselves.

If I am I because you are you, 
and you are you because I am I, 
then I am not I and you are not you. 
But if I am I because I am I, 
and you are you because you are you, 
then I am I and you are you.
– Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk

Habit #3: Comfort the uncomfortable
Recovery doesn’t create wounds; it reveals them.
Tend to your limiting fears with your limitless love.

Place your hands over your beating heart.
Inhale, “I am home.”
Exhale, “I am free.”
Repeat.

Remember that healing is not linear. 
Affirm, “I am not starting over; I am starting from experience.”
Proclaim, “I didn’t come this far only to come this far.”

Habit #4: Give it to yourself first
When you seek empathy,
begin by empathizing with yourself. 
When you seek connection,
begin by connecting with yourself.
When you seek appreciation,
begin by appreciating yourself. 
When you seek inspiration,
begin by inspiring yourself.

All that you ask for asks to be given by you. 
Your fortune of fulfillment lives within.

I hope these habits allow you to incorporate self-love into your process of coping with change. I also encourage you to check out this guided meditation on accepting change, even when it may seem challenging or overwhelming: https://insighttimer.com/sarahblondin/guided-meditations/accepting-change. And remember – the path to fulfillment often begins with ourselves!